Yeah, posting this up for the sole purpose of venting. It's not as though anyone is likely to read it- considering the craze of tl;dr sweeping the internet compiled with the ever-shortening attention span of the average internet browser.

I've always considered myself to be sweet and easy going- I've tried to be a nice person, amicable enough to get along with. Heh, I guess I'm just a pushover, right? The internet, and this world, don't seem to have a place for 'suckers' like me, who let themselves get schnockered in by every kind word that's sent their way. Oh, if only others knew how many times I've forced a smile- how many times I've just pretended that I'm absolutely happy. What others don't know won't hurt them, right?

The answer is - right.

This would probably explain why I don't believe that anything I say in confidence is sacred. I've been pushed around for so long- and things that I've shared with others in privacy have been turned into weapons against me later on. Oh, humans can really be two faced bastards, can't they? They'll chuckle warmly and salute you as you enter the room, then laugh at your expense the second that you leave. Lately, it has begun to feel as though nothing I say is sacred- as though I cannot trust any of those that I had at one time called friends. Feh, it's things like this that made me once wonder how many would actually care if I did off myself?

It's not as though I would. If I had intention of doing it, I would have done it by now, but I do grow to wonder how many would actually feel physically affected by it, or whether my actions would simply become a joke later on. There is a reason that I am paranoid, and it is more than likely due to the fact that my paranoia is justified. People could argue against my paranoia until the sun comes up and they're blue in the face- and yet all I would have to do is simply begin to agree with them, and they would shut up.

People like hearing that they're right. They like feeling as though they are in control. As long as they are happy and believe that those they care for are happy, fuck all others right? It's ironic just how long I've allowed people to step all over me. Mom always told me, as a kid, to just let things roll off my back- well, I'm beginning to run out of patience with others. In life, one is lucky if they have two or three real friends, friends that will be there with them through thick and thin. Now I have many acquaintances, even a few companions, but yet I only have scant few friends that I believe I would be able to trust.

Internet friendships are some of my strongest ties? Holy shit, we really must be living in the digital age.

Contrary to what people may believe, I'm not stupid. I do not know how to convey myself easily, but I am not stupid. I think differently than others, and there is none who can understand me save for those who have been through what I have. Sure, it's easy to say 'Don't think that I don't know what you're going through! I have -insert disorder here- too!'

Yeah, it's so easy to claim that you have certain disorders, but can it be proven? Do you behave in a way that would signify to others that you are not what would be considered normal? I have long since believed that I was different than others- and I have long since been shut down and essentially told that I am nothing special, as though I had gone through some long diatribe about how I believe that I'm a special person and deserve tons of attention.

I don't want to go so far as to say people suck, because that just seems to be far too generalizing... and it's unfair to those that are actually decent people, those that I feel as though I can feel safe talking to- again, these people being mainly those that I keep in contact with through the internet.

All I can say is people displease me, at least as of late.

I have never been a socialite, I have never been one who can mingle with others easily... and I expect that I never will. Right now, I have bared myself to only a few friends online- perhaps because I don't wish to be judged and will not have to deal with accusatory stares, and I feel that I have done the right thing. The one time that I felt it was fine to have a heart to heart with a real life friend... Heh, well I found said heart to heart turned into a weapon against me a few months later. Good job, Mike?

It's like telling a friend that you were just dumped by a boyfriend or girlfriend in absolute secrecy, seeking some manner of consoling... then having that same friend come back several months later during a fight with a line like-

'At least my girlfriend is still with me!'

It is said that the tongue is like a venomous serpent, that is can spread poisons that wound deeper than the sharpest knife- and I no longer doubt that. You see, I have learned something recently; never bear yourself, heart and soul, to someone unless you are absolutely sure that they are a friend... because more than likely, you'll end up finding a verbal knife slicing its way into your back the second that it can be used against you. While many would consider such an event unpleasant, I suppose there is at least one silver lining.

I have learned not to open up to someone at a moment's notice. If someone wishes to be a friend, they will show the advances, or at least attempt to reciprocate said advances, necessary to foster one. If they don't...

Well, you can certainly get used to finding yourself sitting on the sidelines.

In this life, I believe that we are little more than ants without socialization or friendship. Variety is the spice of life...

Which means that I need to make some changes before things start to get very, very bland.